my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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