there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
