It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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