Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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