so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
