just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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