On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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