I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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