Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
