Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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