Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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