We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
