i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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