pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
