It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
