Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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