woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
