What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
