I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
