it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish you could order shots online.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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