so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
