If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
