the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I deserve this hangover.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
