I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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