they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
