My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
