So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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