We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
