It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
