I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
