my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
