You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
