Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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