i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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