Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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