I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
