i would punch a child for taco bell
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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