She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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