i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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