2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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