Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
