so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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