its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
