im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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