walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't deserve a penis
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
