at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
