haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
