i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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