I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love having hate sex.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
