i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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